Hi I am a 3rd year med student, which as you can imagine is the worst thing ever! We are expected to study and treat patience onsite like 55 hours a week and I have no time for this because I am practically in the finals of our campus wide Superb owl of Video Bass Fishing, leaving me approximately zero time to devote to my residency internship (more like internSHIT!). I don t have time to pour through book after book of medical mumbo jumbo to diagnose patience whom cum into our free campus clinic and aren t even paying a CENT and I don t earn one PENNY off it even if I totally cure them completely. So can you guys help me out with this diagnosis paper I have to turn in?

Here are my notes from my initial consultation:

-Patient is a 4-foot 3-inch male, 49 years of age.
-Patient presented with a 101 degree fever and a rash on both faces (could be boils, patient looks like hasn t had any loving in years)
-Yellowish pus seeping from open sores on patient s neck. When curious attending physician inserts pencil into sore, patient jumps and looks at physician as though I was effing crazy. Physician forced to throw away otherwise perfectly good pencil.
-Patient seems unable to defend self from criticism of physical appearance.
-Extremely painful, upsetting, piercing, throbbing, and deeply distressing headache presents in physician every time patient has a seizure. Its pretty distracting.
-Patient claims to have blackouts up to 3 times a day, but how can physician trust that that is true at all because why would you rely on the allegations of someone who, by his own admission, totally blacks out like 3 times a day?
-Liver test normal: patient devours two plates full (with approx one heapin helpin o bloomin onions on the side”causing patient to present with a fattening of the arse.)
-Patient unwilling or unable to let physician look at pictures of daughter that patient carries in wallet, as physician retrieves due financial compensation for ruined pencil.
-Tip of nose seems to be melting, drooping below patient s bluish lips.
-Patient speaks in broken English of returning to The Motherland, but then it turns out he s born and raised in Yonkers.

Can you give me a diagnosis and recommend some treatments for the patient? I m supposed to meet with him tomorrow on this, but I think I can stall it for a few days until you get back to me with the diagnosis.

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